Holy moly, the news is finally out– I’M PREGNANT! It’s painful for me to keep my own secrets, especially one that was this huge, so it’s a relief to finally talk about it. I found out at about 5 weeks of pregnancy (because my period was late, YAHTZEE!) That has happened to me a few times before and I usually don’t get worried, I just take a pregnancy test to reassure myself that I’m not pregnant, my cycle is just late. Except this time when I took my for sure negative pregnancy test, it said positive…
Sooo needless to say I was surprised. Many people have asked if we were “trying” and I typically say no, because we weren’t like ‘hey let’s have a baby now’. BUT, it’s hard to have it be a complete no, because we were kind of playing with fire since I wasn’t on birth control and we knew that it would be a possibility (although we thought the possibility was pretty small). So we were surprised and shocked. It took me a few days to get it together because I was just overwhelmed and not mentally prepared at all to be pregnant right now. I found out in the bathroom while Clint was out of the house, and I balled my eyes out. I’m just keeping it real.
I stood there shaking in my bathroom with so many negative thoughts running through my mind “I’m not ready to be a mom”, “Am I even a ‘mom’ type of girl?”, “I still feel like a kid, how can I raise one?” “I’m not ready to be done being selfish”, “Well, my life is over…’ And on and on and on. So the sobs continued obviously. Luckily, I have a BUNCH of amazing women in my life who have had similar feelings. One friend in Seattle, one in Austin, and one in Dallas were my first texts I sent. 2/3 of these moms were not trying to get pregnant when they did, and their words of encouragement were exactly what I needed. “This is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you! It’s totally normal not to feel excited or happy, and that’s ok, you will be get there I promise!”
Isn’t it so amazing that someone can come into your world and reassure you that you’re going to be ok? That they also had the feelings that you feel ashamed of, and they overcame them? Gosh, it was just what my soul needed. And that’s how shame works, when you bring it into community and people love you, it goes away.
So when Clint came home, it was actually the day (some you have remember) that all of his social media accounts got hacked. So we were trying to get a hacker out of his twitter account which he was trying to blackmail us, which was super fun. And on top of that I had just found out I was pregnant and trying to find the right time to tell my husband, aka not in the middle of his panic about having his brand and work come crumbling down. So, when he came home, I decided to wait until after we had settled the hacker stuff to tell him so maybe he would be calm and excited (I was nervous he wasn’t going to be happy about it).
4 PAINFUL hours went by, and finally we got the hacker out. I decided I needed to go work out to zen out and as I was leaving Clint gave me a hug and said, “I know it’s been a hard day..” And I pulled back and said “that’s not what I’m crying about!” So he was like “what?” And I said “hold on…” And I went and grabbed the pregnancy test and his jaw dropped. He was SO happy and excited. He said “This is the best news ever oh my gosh!” I was so surprised that he was happy (but of course he would be because he’s the best and amazing and always wanted to be a dad)
So I cried, he celebrated, and then we both sat down and just kept being like “what the heck we are going to have a kid..” So that was about 7 weeks ago. And since then, I’ve gotten to honestly grieve the loss (because there is some loss of independence, selfishness and other things, which is healthy) and accept the reality and blessing that this baby is. It feels SO divinely appointment by God and I know that I can trust Him that I am ready and will be a great mother to this child. I think any huge transition like this is scary and any emotions that come with it shouldn’t be judged, but rather seen and heard so that you can pass through to the joy of accepting the blessing.
After I went to our first doctors appointment and saw our baby and heard it’s heartbeat, I got tears in my eyes. Holy cow this was real, I didn’t just have the stomach flu. There was a tiny tiny human life in there and how holy and beautiful that moment was. I can not WAIT to be a mom now and I am so so joyful and excited and expectant for this beautiful child of mine that I already love so deep and I haven’t even met them yet. It makes me appreciate and love being a woman that much more, holy moly we are so strong and capable and blessed to do this. So get ready to laugh at me and with me through this pregnancy because I’ve got some GOOD material coming yall.